I have to be honest. I love the masculine figures of some transwomen, and I find it beautiful and unique as hell. I love my masculine figure except when it gets me misgendered, like it did today… If people didn’t misgender me so much I would feel really confident and really pretty. :/

So is either really more acceptable?

If someone asks you, as a trans person, if you’re pre-op or post-op, is it more or less appropriate than to ask you if you have a penis or a vagina?

I feel like it’s more, because I feel like it’s slightly less invasive, but on the other hand, it’s basically the same question…

What do you think?

So I was taking selfies today with my new favorite outfit, and as I was waiting in line for Subway today I was looking at my school ID. The picture was taken right before my senior year of high school. And the difference is astounding.

I am so pleased by this progress guys, you have no idea. It’s like I’m not even the same person ^^

After two days of going full time, I’ve done a bit of thinking…

Like, going as a woman all the time, being pre-op and pre-hormones is a bit bittersweet. It’s difficult to tell ever if you’re passing. People tell me I’m passing, and that’s great and all, but I can’t ever get rid of the thought that I’m not. The cafeteria lady called me sir today, and she was the first person while being full time to say that. But it still makes me concerned.

Then at the end of the day, you get home, and want to take off your bra, so you do… And it’s like you’ve forgotten you don’t have actual breast-tissue boobs. So it comes off and your chest is flat (and in my case a tad bit flabby), but at least having the tight bra off feels better. You take your makeup off and it’s like you see someone different in the mirror. You take off your clothes (or change into pajamas or go to the bathroom), and your genitals are still masculine.

But while I’ve been going full time, at least for me, I’ve noticed a lot of things that have made me smile. People calling me ma’am instead of sir on a regular basis. People getting my name right. People commenting on my appearance. It’s a lot of nice turnout, but at the end of the day, everything comes off and I feel like someone I’m not. At the end of the day, I feel like a guy.

Going full time has done things for me so far. Granted, I’m only three days in, so I can’t make much of a statement, but already I’m keeping my head higher and remaining a little more confident. People’s silent judgments of the things I do and what I wear and what I look like don’t bother me as much. I still see the looks on people’s faces and worry, but I have a bit more confidence now, and hopefully more even sooner.

And maybe it’s just new-quarter-motivation, but I’ve been being responsible so far. Again, it can’t be easily determined from solely two or three days of this, but I’ve gone to bed early and woken up early for classes in order to make sure I get myself pretty for school and work. When I have to be a lot more self conscious about everything, I feel like I’m getting shit done. And that’s good. Here’s hoping it all sticks.

It’s gonna be a hell of a ride.

I’m taking a big step in my life tomorrow.

Beginning tomorrow morning, and continuing onward ad infinitum excepting days when I’m with my family or required to be my birth gender, I will be going full time as a woman. I’ve prepped my wardrobe and all my stuff to accomodate this. All I need to do now is send out my coming out e-mail to all of my coworkers, and I’ll be fine.

To be honest, I’m scared to death. I don’t know what I can expect to have happen, nor do I know what people might say. But I’m ready.

At this moment, Jenny waited 3 minutes before typing any additional text because she didn’t know what to say.

I’m just scared, you guys. .-.

I wish my mom and dad would STOP GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT MY HAIR.

Yes, it’s long. I know it’s long. I’m growing it out. BECAUSE I WANT TO. That’s all they need to know, but for some reason I feel like I have to REMIND THEM that I’m a GIRL and not a GUY.

So when I tell you that I hate wearing my hair in a pony tail (despite how “professional” it looks and might keep me from getting failed job interviews and such) because it gives me headaches, IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM when “growing out your hair for no particular reason is giving me a headache.” (Dad) This is my fucking body and with it I’m gonna do what I want. I’ll learn from my own god damn mistakes. If someone doesn’t hire me because I’ve got unprofessional hair? MY MISTAKE, I’LL FUCKING FIX IT MYSELF. If someone finds my hair unprofessional while wearing a tuxedo (which I hope I never have to do again), MY FUCKING MISTAKE, I’LL FIX IT MYSELF!

This applies to everything else in my god damn life too. I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to realize that my body is my business, and as a legal adult I can do with it anything that I want to.

I’m TWENTY YEARS OLD. TWENTY. YEARS OLD. I’m mature enough to understand that there may be consequences to my actions and that I have to learn from them. I was that mature like 5 years ago, but apparently it didn’t sink in then and it’s CLEARLY not sinking in now. Also, as a legal adult, while you may WANT me to do something, only I get to say whether or not I’m doing it.

And yeah, I’m sure that on my mother’s father’s side we have a common gene for male pattern baldness. Whoopdie freakin’ doo! Because the second I get on antiandrogens, the chances of that happening DIE. No matter what genetics say should happen, those particular genes affect me hormonally, which I can change with a little spironolactone.

I do not care how professional it looks to wear my hair in a pony tail. It shows so much cheek and forehead it looks like masculine as hell.
I do not care how “handsome” it makes me look.
I do not care that it gives you a headache that I’m growing my hair out because I can.
I do not care how it might affect me getting a job or a career or anything like that in the future.
I do not care that it might make me see better when I’m driving. It’s never caused a problem before while I drove. It’s just hair.


Seriously, this shouldn’t still be going on. It’s long, but I’m taking exceptionally good care of my hair. I wash it every or nearly every day (and will start every single day this summer if I don’t have a recurring trend yet). It looks nice. And when I tuck the left side behind an ear, put on some makeup and use a hairband, I look GORGEOUS.

It’s my goddamn life, and I’m really starting to get tired of having to listen to you give me crap about the things I choose to do. Why can’t I just live my life in fucking peace?! UGH!

Thanks to peacelovetrans for letting me do this…


I’ve just finished a four track EP release, and it comes out right about… now.

My name is Rachel Tucker. I’m a 17 year old transgirl living in an abusive home, with her mom; one of the abusers. I’ve been emotionally abused and neglected for many years, and it has taken me as just as much time to realize that not only was I being abused in the first place, that life wasn’t supposed to be lived at the mercy of another, that I could leave this place; which is actually legal in my state, since I am legally male, and 17 years old. (State of Wyoming) DFS will do nothing about this, I’ve called many times, all in vain; so I am taking matters into my own hands.

The point of the release, which is completely free, unless you choose to donate. You can donate any amount of money; or choose not to. It’s up to you. Any and all funds procured will go towards getting me out of this home, as I have a place to go, and a plan to get there; but not the money to execute it; hence the EP.

You can find the EP here; http://riptideofficial.bandcamp.com/album/make-a-difference-ep

To download, click on ‘Buy Now’ and it will ask you to put in an amount. If you put in zero, it’s obviously free, and it will take you to the download page where you can have your choice of 320 mp3, .wav, .flac, and many other audio file types; I personally recommend the 320 mp3 if you don’t know your file types. 

Please keep in mind when donating, that Bandcamp will receive 15% of the number you input, up to $100, (so a max of $15) and also that when putting zero into the download box, that Bandcamp will only allow me 200 free downloads per month. If, in the unlikelihood that I do in fact run out of free downloads, simply personal message me here on Tumblr, and I will upload them to MediaFire or Dropbox to download for 100% free, though keep in mind, with that, they will be .wav, as all of my files are, and I will not convert files for anyone. You can do them yourself with many free programs available on the net.

Thank you all, you can read the full story on my past of abuse and torment at the hands of people whom have claimed to love me below the break.

Read More

Can I not just signal boost this again? Rachel’s a totally awesome friend and she needs support.

She’s a super great person even if she doesn’t feel like it sometimes and I love her a lot! If you can’t donate then either listen to her music or signal boost it. I want to see her happy and living a life she’d much rather be living.

And speaking of dysphoria…

So I had a long talk with the executive members of my fraternity last night. Firstly I discussed that I had been way too stressed to focus and actually have a drive to come to meetings. The past few weeks everything they scheduled felt like last-minute things, and it was like a bullet to my inner planner’s head every single day. I told them that instead of doing something which could be excused by the meeting, I would simply break down and retreat to my room, doing other things to relax me. Like eating, playing video games and dressing as a woman instead of in button ups and ties.

Then I mentioned that I need to somehow find a way to politely re-establish to everyone that I’m trans. As it appears, I want to go full time by fall, or partway through the summer quarter. And with only around 65% of our members making attempts to call me by my preferred name and the pronouns, it’s a little discouraging. It feels like no one there actually will end up seeing me as a woman, or more like no one fully acknowledges it. But it’s imminent, and with any luck I will have my voice totally trained by the end of the summer. They gave me some suggestions which were less than ideal or helpful, but recognized that I probably would have to keep pointing it out to people until it became an understood fact.

Finally, I asked what the idea of formal attire for fraternal events and gatherings would be. Namely because I’ll be stopping the suit-and-tie charade soon. I’ll be wearing womens’ clothes, perhaps dresses or just formal outfits, and I needed to know what was acceptable. However I worry that my presentation and gender expression within the fraternity might discourage members from joining or wanting to join. And that bothers me a little bit. But I get so dysphoric when I wear anything that’s men’s formal attire. So for my own health I should carry on with the dress wearing and whatnot, but at the same time I need to make it less of a problem. I don’t konw what I’m going to do in that respect, but at least they accept that it will probably be necessary that I dress that way.

I’m concerned about makeup.

Like seriously. I pretty much need the stuff to pass, or at least make my face look a little softer. But every time I wear it, my eyelids feel heavy and I get really tired. The feeling lingers even after I take off the makeup. I honestly don’t want to wear it, but if I want to pass I feel like it’s an issue. Not really sure what to do…

Happy National Coming Out Day, everyone!

Hey everyone, sorry for the long time without updates, my schedule has been shot to hell. Classes are difficult and I’m apparently having more trouble than I expected. This is, of course, without a job, but with a shitload of extracurriculars and such eating up my time. Plus, the classes are hard. (See Data Structures) So tumblr might be difficult to get around to for awhile, but I’ll update when I can so that no one forgets about me.

So yeah, just in case you didn’t read the title! It’s October 11th, and that means that it’s National Coming Out Day! So I hope you all have a wonderful NCOD and, if you feel so inclined, come out to someone successfully! :3

Today is the day I have planned to come out to primarily Prism (the GSA organization at Tech), and anyone else listening. Over the course of the last week, I’ve felt more and more nervous and frightened of this day arriving. I see that as odd considering how excited I’ve been for this day to arrive. I feel worried about potential judgment and whatnot, or not being able to get the words out… But Alice, the trans* friend down the hall is going to come out with me to make me feel more comfortable. So I think this will go swimmingly. However, I’m likely going to be pressed for time tonight.

My fraternity so nicely and coincidentally scheduled a pinning event for our new novices tonight at 9 PM, so I won’t have time to tell my whole coming out story, or spend the whole night as Prism, though I may have liked doing so. Instead, to make things easier, and also take off some of the nerves of standing up in front of a group of people in a suit and tie, telling everyone I’m actually female, Alice had the idea of going to Wal Mart and getting shirts to paint something like “Hello, you can call me…” and that way, people can ask questions if they want, and it’s pretty much out in the open.

I painted a shirt yesterday which I will wear to the meeting tonight. It says “Hello, I am Jennifer, and I am trans*” on it. We’ll both be going tonight to Prism sporting our shirts. I’m excited and scared at the same time, but I can only think of reasons that would make this a positive experience. So here’s hoping for good luck for that.

The shirts:

(Alice’s reads, if the yellow is hard to see, “Please call me Alice, I am… transgendered”)